Finding Me

I'm okay, really.

8:00

the ringing of the bell sounds out

echoes in my bones

time for class

I’ll choose a blank mask for this one

maybe sprinkle in a frown of focus

unpacking the School Personality from its metal box

raise my hand and try not to look around too much

first rule of class: don’t make eye contact with your friends.

that never happens

School Personality always has snippets of jokes slid across the glass table

of tension

to the person next to me

and humored glances to

the person across the room in the ritual unspoken conversation

9:15

C&C advisory

I’m always late.

walk in with my friend

eyes glued to the ground

trying not to be noticed.

“girls, come in and sit down. you’re interrupting.”

no one else notices us anyway

this is routine.

this is the Invisible Personality.

second rule: nod.

Invisible Personality doesn’t like to argue

they’ll always do anything to blend in

they follow their rules

they’re submissive

but not in the little moments of rebellious eye-contact

to the one safe person in the room

9:30

finally: morning break

choose a smile from the gallery this time

this one’s a little tired, but it’ll have to do.

I’ll go over to the group of girls sitting on the ground

in a messy blob that tries so hard to pass for a circle

lean on a friend’s shoulder

third rule: don’t say what’s on your mind.

this is the personality that gives only what is needed

but cares for me

the Surviving Personality

providing me support in a hug to one of my friends

head resting on their shoulder for one more beat

the beat that tells them that I need them

11:25

chatter fills the hallways:

the sound of kids snatching the moments of conversation

before they float away

games in the gym now

I’ll admit:

I’m no good at this one

the Loner Personality

courtesy of my old school

everyone’s playing basketball or volleyball

on a good day I might find myself shooting baskets with someone

or at least trying

or serving over the net

but I always end it alone.

the smile that I chose expires and I’m left with my empty tired self

as I stretch alone in a corner

always glancing over to the teacher to make sure I look like I’m working

hard enough

the Loner Personality is always good to me

but I’m still here in the corner

watching everyone else with their perfect smiles and energy

11:55

lunch!

a happily exhausted look of longing for the moments when

I call after my friend’s brown bob that is walking away

to wait for me, please.

We’ll go to our usual meeting place

I can say what’s on my mind now

my friends at school always knock my walls down

whether they know it or not

and the rules pinned up collapse as well

the excited snippets of the True Personality pick themselves up from

their fidgety places amongst the

boxes of personalities

they’re unable to pack themselves into one piece

and are always scattered everywhere

providing good-naturedness to the School Personality

and brightening up the Invisible Personality in their subtle stormcloud

laughing can come out of the drawer now

unfolding its dusty wings into the most embarrassing giggles

complaining comes out painted in glowing playful cheeriness and relatability

but then the bell rings again, and I pack up

my lunch and the True Personality with its stickers and colorful messiness

It’s the weekend

time for panic and stress

and covering my face with my hands

stiff from typing

as if I can hide the flaws and rawness of

the Honest Personality

from myself

I open up my planner to the assignments

not enough crossed out

not enough with due dates that aren’t in the past

but then my phone buzzes and my friends are flooding my world with

joy and anticipation because…

A treat came: a sleepover!

the True Personality is up at the break of dawn

and when I look in the mirror, I smile.

This isn’t a mask

This isn’t a personality

This isn’t the

School Personality

Invisible Personality

Surviving Personality

Loner Personality

Honest Personality

It comes from the thought of hanging out with friends

It comes from memories

It comes from nervousness and unwavering encouragement

It comes from loyalty and trust

This is a feeling, an emotion

but there’s no perfect word to describe when

my walls are down

I feel awake and alive

I’m with friends

and my heart is full

It’s a feeling as rich as golden honey

It’s as powerful as the ocean

yet as gentle as a soft summer breeze

It’s laughter.

It’s truth.

It’s me.